On Freeway Driving

When I set out on my journey, my biggest fear was dealing with city traffic: specifically, the LA freeway, all the way over in California. Now, having driven it unscathed, I’m happy to share my Dos & Don’t for Freeway Driving

1. DO turn on Miss Bossypants and punch in your destination, even if you think you know where you’re going, She knows about crashes ahead, and the distance to your exit.

2. DO follow the speed of the cars in front of you. Even if they’re going over the speed limit; it’s safer that way.

3. DON’T try anything fancy. Even if everyone else is.

4. Exception: When Ms. B says you’re 2 miles from your exit, DO move right. Maybe at home you wait a lot longer, but with all the zipping, zapping, and unanticipated traffic clogs, you’ll need the 2 miles.

5. LA drivers (and drivers in most cities) are generally pretty good. They’re not dead yet, right? However, every garden grows its douchebags, so DO be on the lookout for these particular moves:

   1. The guy* who needs to be 1/2 second ahead of you. He’ll careen into the open space you’ve left between your car and the bumper in front of you. DO be ready to slam on the brakes. For pro points, leave just enough room in front of you to avoid a fender bender, but not enough for another car. Though you’d be surprised.

   2. The guy who sees you turn on your left turn signal and decides he just can’t let that happen, so he zooms up to cut you off. DO be ready to turn off your blinker and slither back to your original lane. It’s just not worth it.

      * Yes you’re right, that’s totally sexist. Indeed, women are equally capable of douchebaggerie. However, my own purely anecdotal evidence shows that men are far more guilty of the specific moves listed above.

6. DO bring a cooler of (non-alcoholic) drinks with you. Who knows how long you’ll be out there? But go easy: see below.

7. Corollary: DO think of an absolute emergency way to relieve yourself, should you find yourself still miles from your exit after having drunk everything in your cooler. An empty jar, maybe? I don’t know — you’ll think of something.